Call a spade a spade but not with Nairobi girls

By Caleb Mutua

She was coming to my direction.

My heart started to beat fast and I suddenly felt weak. I glanced again just to be sure that she was coming my way…she was.

I had looked forward to this moment since we went for holiday last semester. I would have rehearsed my lines yesterday if I knew she was reporting back this early; it was so unlike her. I stood there wearing a stupid smile.

Somebody please stop her. I needed a few more minutes to recall my lines. Ali’s advice at the back of my mind was almost audible now, “you must look straight in her eyes, don’t wink and don’t let the tone of your voice betray your emotions.”

“Eh… Vanessa, hi?” I shrieked. I was trembling.

“Hi Cal, long time.” She hugged me.

I must have staggered back to my position because the scent from her clothes was intoxicating. She was a modern woman; her lip gloss and her pink eye shadows whet my appetite even more.

“ You look…eh..you look fat,” I replied.

The speed with which her smile disappeared from her face would have put Usain Bolt to shame. What have I done?
During my rehearsals, Ali had recommended I notice something new about her.

“Ladies want a man who is quick to notices changes in their hairstyle, their ear rings or even their nail art,” Ali had emphasized.

This was news to me. Girls in Kayole flats did not mind if you did not tell them that their weave was beautifully woven even when it was dirty and stinking, or that you liked their Rastafarian scarf even though it made them look stupid wearing a scarf when it was hot as hell.

“You think so? That am fat?” Her tone was rebellious and wrinkles had started to form on her forehead.

“Not in a bad way Van. I meant to say that you’ve gained weight,” I pleaded adding a silly laugh at the end. That was another wrong thing to do.

“What is funny? I hate that laugh. Did you call me here to laugh at me? Grow up and do it fast before all the girls in this campus shy away from you, look at you.” She clicked and started going in the opposite direction.

I was finished. I had ruined the only chance I had. I wanted to call after her and explain what I really meant; that she was pretty and I liked her fat.; that I laughed to ease the tension that had started to grow; that I thought she was the most beautiful woman in campus.

But wait a minute, I didn’t call her there, and what was the big deal with gaining a little weight? If having a girlfriend in campus meant calling a spade a big spoon then I better forget it.

First published in October 2011.